Lately I’ve been thinking about and yearning to go back to my old life when I worked as a secretary barely making $30,000 per year. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve ever made more than $30,000 per year in any job. I lived paycheck-to-paycheck, and my check was spent before it hit my bank account for payday. Then nine times out of 10, my account was overdrawn on top of that. While it was far from ideal, it was familiar and lately I’ve been thinking how good something familiar sounds.
I’ve been plugging away at Hope for more than 13 years now. I got to a place in my life where I was tired of struggling and knew a better life was for me and my children, but I didn’t know how to make the shift and change. Heck, I’m still trying to figure it out. I spent 25 years living the old way with the mindset of just being grateful for what I had. I didn’t question whether it could be better and instead just accepted that’s how life was. I cried numerous times and questioned God: why do I struggle? Am I cursed? Why can’t I seem to get ahead and out this mess? Breaking the mindset you’ve had for 25 years is difficult, to say the least.
In November 2015, I decided it was time to walk away from my marriage (roommate). I’m still working through all the guilt and why I stayed. These last couple of years have had so many things going on behind the scenes that I suppressed and was too ashamed to share. But they’ve affected my day-to-day. Whether you had the best marriage in the world or the worst, divorce is still so hard and complicated. You’re left trying to figure out all the pieces. I remember being advised to see a grief counselor because it’s almost like death. She spoke the truth! Counseling has been working out tremendous for me
Ladies, I still have rough days. There are days when I’m working hard to get advertisers to believe in the vision of Hope. But we’re too small, the numbers are big enough, it’s not the demographic they’re looking for and on and on it goes. I think I’ve reached out to every major company you can possibly think of. And I have talked with smaller companies, but many of them are doing everything to stay afloat and don’t have a budget to advertise. It’s very frustrating. I just want Hope to flourish in each of your lives. Trust me, I need Hope, too. Ahhh, how I long for the day when Hope is comfortable with a good place financially.
And with all that said, I can honestly say I know how easy it is to want to give up and quit when life seems like a complete mess and doesn’t seem like it’s going to ever come together. But, I’ve come to learn that life can be such a beautiful blessed mess. I have this feeling that the worse days are behind and the best days are before me. I just have to sometimes readjust as I go and continue on the journey. If it was easy, we wouldn’t appreciate God’s blessings as much. Keep moving through the tears and feelings like you’re not gaining ground. You – we – really are.
Thank you for listening to my heart today and allowing me to share how I’m moving past all this shame and guilt. Keep me in prayer, and please share your thoughts. I always love to hear from you!