My Life: A Beautiful Blessed Mess

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stressLately I’ve been thinking about and yearning to go back to my old life when I worked as a secretary barely making $30,000 per year. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve ever made more than $30,000 per year in any job. I lived paycheck-to-paycheck, and my check was spent before it hit my bank account for payday. Then nine times out of 10, my account was overdrawn on top of that. While it was far from ideal, it was familiar and lately I’ve been thinking how good something familiar sounds.

I’ve been plugging away at Hope for more than 13 years now. I got to a place in my life where I was tired of struggling and knew a better life was for me and my children, but I didn’t know how to make the shift and change. Heck, I’m still trying to figure it out. I spent 25 years living the old way with the mindset of just being grateful for what I had. I didn’t question whether it could be better and instead just accepted that’s how life was. I cried numerous times and questioned God: why do I struggle? Am I cursed? Why can’t I seem to get ahead and out this mess? Breaking the mindset you’ve had for 25 years is difficult, to say the least.

In November 2015, I decided it was time to walk away from my marriage (roommate). I’m still working through all the guilt and why I stayed. These last couple of years have had so many things going on behind the scenes that I suppressed and was too ashamed to share. But they’ve affected my day-to-day. Whether you had the best marriage in the world or the worst, divorce is still so hard and complicated. You’re left trying to figure out all the pieces. I remember being advised to see a grief counselor because it’s almost like death. She spoke the truth! Counseling has been working out tremendous for me

Ladies, I still have rough days. There are days when I’m working hard to get advertisers to believe in the vision of Hope. But we’re too small, the numbers are big enough, it’s not the demographic they’re looking for and on and on it goes. I think I’ve reached out to every major company you can possibly think of. And I have talked with smaller companies, but many of them are doing everything to stay afloat and don’t have a budget to advertise. It’s very frustrating. I just want Hope to flourish in each of your lives. Trust me, I need Hope, too. Ahhh, how I long for the day when Hope is comfortable with a good place financially.

And with all that said, I can honestly say I know how easy it is to want to give up and quit when life seems like a complete mess and doesn’t seem like it’s going to ever come together. But, I’ve come to learn that life can be such a beautiful blessed mess. I have this feeling that the worse days are behind and the best days are before me. I just have to sometimes readjust as I go and continue on the journey. If it was easy, we wouldn’t appreciate God’s blessings as much. Keep moving through the tears and feelings like you’re not gaining ground. You – we – really are.

Thank you for listening to my heart today and allowing me to share how I’m moving past all this shame and guilt. Keep me in prayer, and please share your thoughts. I always love to hear from you!

Angelia White decided to step out on faith with her dream of creating a lifestyle magazine for today's inspiring woman. One thing is certain: she is illuminated by her passion for life, encouraging change and inspiring women to live, dream and inspire their ways to greatness! She is definitely a woman on the move! Connect with Angelia on Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/hope4women and Twitter - https://twitter.com/hopemag, @angeliawhite, or visit www.hopeforwomenmag.com.

5 Comments

  1. Monica Nixon

    February 23, 2017 at 5:41 pm

    I'm soooo stinking proud of you for being sooo super transparent with this post. With transparency often comes a vulnerability, and I know that's hard. Trust me, I'm still trying to get there. 😊 I applaud you for clinging to hope – in your heart and in the form of this magazine. I'm sure you've encouraged the hearts of many women today and given them yet another reason to have HOPE

  2. NichelleRae

    February 23, 2017 at 6:10 pm

    This is so raw. So many of us make decisions which are best for ourselves and our children believing the next days will be better. AND they are, maybe not in full but the stressful, unhappy and axiety filled energy that used to be in your home is no more. The empty feeling even though there is someone there is gone. The drudge of going to a job that isn't paying the bills. I used to tell people I'm working for a payday 3 months from now, these paychecks are already gone; those days are now more in your control than out of your control.

    Hope IS the foundation of our FAITH! WE will all get there… Just keep moving forward and Holding on.

  3. Angelia White

    February 23, 2017 at 8:46 pm

    Thanks so much ladies!  ALL I had was Hope to clinge on to and now I know that was more than enough.  This place seemed so far away and thought I would never arrive at the place of peace and happiness for ME!  I was one that put everyone before me and YES the children but what they needed was a WHOLE and complete mom.  It wasn't fair to any of us…Ladies I appreciate your love and support!  You're a blessing to me too!  

  4. pam

    July 30, 2017 at 1:12 am

    Yes. Angelia, it's a blessing to work through even the mess. You're here for a reason.  

    Read my last blog: http://www.pamperrypr.com/lesson-learned-from-natasha-munson-dont-let-your-story-die-inside-of-you/ 

    It will put things in perspective for you.  Grab some tissue and then praise GOD!  

    love you. It's gonna all work out. Divine order. Peace…and

    HOPE! 

    Pam 

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