by Dee Stewart
L-R: Sherri Shepherd, Jacque Reid, Vicki Mabrey, Steve Harvey, Jimi Izrael and Hill Harper face off. Photo courtesy of ABC News.
I recently attended ABC’s Nightline News Face-Off Debate “Why Can’t Successful Black Women Find a Man?” It was the second installment of a two-part debate and hosted in Atlanta, GA. In this session Sherri Shepherd, Emmy award-winning co-host of ABC’s The View, and Jacque Reid, star of VH1′s Let’s Talk About Pep, debated Hill Harper, CSI-NY star and author of The Conversation, and Jimi Izrael, author of The Denzel Principle. Psychologist and relationships expert Dr. Alduan Tartt and author/journalist Helena Andrews facilitated the town hall meeting aspect of the debate. Radio talk show host Steve Harvey and Nightline‘s Vicki Mabrey co-moderated.
With such a great roster of debaters I was excited to attend and meet the debaters. The fact that I am a single, successful, professional black woman who have felt the sting of this issue at some point in my life, I was curious about three things:
1. What would these men tell me that I don’t already know?
2. Was this issue less trivial than I had imagined?
3. Were we really living in an epidemic state of black male and female relationships, whereby black men didn’t want black women anymore?
Three years ago I wrote an article titled, “Why Won’t Black Christian Men Date Christian Women?” I interviewed a successful, single, handsome, Christian, celebrated news producer, a bestselling author, and an associate pastor of a well known Atlanta church. They all stated that they excluded dating Christian women because Christian women expected a marriage proposal after the first date. It was too much pressure way too soon.
I thought they were eating a box of hot rocks.
A week before the Nightline News Debate I polled single Christian black women on Facebook. I asked the question of the debate. 50% of them said that Christian women shouldn’t be finding a man; a man should find them. And the other 50% implied that the reason women weren’t married is because they didn’t have enough faith in God.
More hot rocks.
So when I interviewed Hill Harper backstage, before the ABC Nightline Face-Off I piggybacked on that same questions. I asked him: “While you gathered research for your current book, The Conversation, did you receive the same feedback from black Christian men and women?”
“Yes, I’ve heard the same thing,” he said. “What I learned is that both sides have their own truisms about starting relationships. Unfortunately everyone is misinformed about what they need to start and maintain healthy, happy relationships. There is a way out of that if we begin to communicate with one another.”
Again… another box of hot rocks.
Don’t get me wrong. Harper made the best points during the debate despite his constant book plugs—including his response, but he didn’t answer the question. For that matter nor did Jimi Izrael or Steve Harvey, who also chimed in with his own spin from time to time.
All the men hawked their books instead of answering the question.
So I asked my twin brother, David who happens to be my oldest best friend, personal relationship coach, who is a successful, Christian man in a committed relationship the same question. I was pleased to know that he had an answer.
“Black Successful Christian Women refuse to settle,” he said. “They have learned through faith that they don’t have to fear being alone any more, and they shouldn’t.”
I so agree. Let’s be honest. Successful Black Women don’t have a problem meeting a man, being prepared for a man, getting a man, whatever you want to call it. They don’t have a problem keeping a man, as long as that man is good.
It took some years for my man to find me, yet he would agree I was worth the wait. Perhaps the question should have been Why won’t successful black women settle?
A literary journalist and publicist since 2001, Dee Stewart’s writings have appeared in Precious Times, Spirit Led Woman, and Gospel Today Magazines and the anthology SistahFaith(Simon & Schuster.) Her work focuses on fiction, popular culture, media and their relationship to people who live according to a Christian worldview. For more information, visit www.deestewart.com
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THIS IS LONG, BUT…
Good topic. The observation from your friend was very insightful also. This subject is near and dear to me for a number of reasons that I won’t get into. However, I have some thoughts that I hope HOPE for Women Magazine readers will consider.
1. The fact that we are using the terms Christian Black Women (CBW) and Black Women (BW) interchangeably speaks volumes. It’s the “Christ” in the CBW that sets her apart from BW.
When we don’t make that distinction sharp, we as Christians begin to look at this marriage topic through the same lens that the world uses. Unfortunately, it’s happening right now, otherwise we would not have a divorce rate in the church that rivals the divorce rate in the world.
Many CBW who desire mates will have them in the fullness of time. But it’s the world’s fairy tale (fairy-lie) notion of marriage and “timing” that tells a woman she needs to married by a certain age, or else her prospects diminish. There is no “man” shortage in God because there is no failure (or shortages) in God of any kind. CBW know this. The Lord will supply the needs of His daughters according His riches in glory, and not according to what Census Data reports is or is not possible.
2. Things are shifting and changing and aligning within the Kingdom of God (Lord, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.)The reality is some people are in marriages that they shouldn’t be in the first place. That’s a hard pill for “religion” to swallow, but it is God’s truth according to the book of Ezra 10, and other pure Christian insight. With this in mind, we have to stop counseling people to remain in marriages if we haven’t first asked the most basic and fundamental question concerning that marriage: Is this a marriage that God put together, or is this a thing of the flesh (greed, desperation, loneliness, fear, etc.)?
When we begin to look at this truth, we will stop pre-judging divorced people; and we will stop pre-judging people who are in second marriages, etc.
It’s amazing that we can give detailed testimonies about how God spoke to us about where to work and what car to purchase and where to live, and why to start a particular ministry—even what to eat for dinner! But, not enough Christians (men and women) are able to give a truthful testimony about whom and when God told them to marry! The reality is that some people are in marriages that God is telling them to come out of because He never told them to get into them in the first place. And, some marriages that are dissolved currently will be reconciled. But, we have to believe God for EVERYTHING, or we believe God for nothing. Again, when we do it the world’s way, and not God’s way, we get the world’s results.
I encourage every Christian woman and man out there to keep growing, keep pressing toward the mark of the prize of the high calling in Christ Jesus, continue to walk circumspectly, and to continue to trust God for everything, including your future spouse, despite what the world is telling you. He hears you, He loves you, and He will answer you concerning marriage, and all things. Not only does God move according to His own timing, He is the redeemer of time, and He can and will restore the years that the locust and the canker worms have stolen. You’re not too old (no matter how old you are); trust God and receive from God.
"THIS!!!" I co-sign with you L. Marie. God's ways are higher than our ways and His thoughts are higher than ours. He'll take the foolish of the world to confound the wise. It's no secret that the world is bombarding black women —especially those over age 35 that if you didn't find a man by now you'll NEVER find one. Those are the facts. However, I know the truth. There is NO man shortage with God. All the good ones are not taken. If you are a Christian woman and desire to have a mate, trust God that He knows what is best for you. It can get lonely sometimes, but it's better to be alone than be with the wrong man. People always try to put you in a box with sweeping generalizations on why certain attractive and professional woman are not married i.e. too picky, don't know how to submit, mad black woman syndrome, etc… However, in many cases, nothing could be further from the truth. Could it be that it's just not their season quite yet? God doesn't make cookie cutter Christians and not everyone's life goes a certain way. The beauty is that God is a personal God and knows us intimately and gives us what is best. Sometimes it will be a husband for some at age 21 and others at age 51. The beauty in this is that God does things in His time and His plans for us are always good and better than what we could plan.
Interesting. No, we won't settle but the fact remains that most successful black christian women are well over 40 and still alone..no dates even in sight. At this point,it is what it is.
honestly i watched this is an what i found is that people don't go by the bibles standards, yes slavery has caused it easier for women to succeed then men, however, when people found their identity in Christ and not their careers i'd say marriages had a better chance. So in the kingdom these stats mean nothing, because it's about finding your purpose. If you say more blk women are SAVED more then men, well that's possible, but in Christ there is no color, but God can do anything, you just have to be willing to sacrifice for what you want, just my opinion. Not easy. This program was hilarious though, thanks.
I agree.
also, not everybody makes it, there were times when whole races of people suffered, i mean look at some countries where diesase is rampant, some people will not get married, but everybody that is supposed to have a mate will have one, God is sovereign and there's no lack in God.
Hi, Angela. You have a wonderful blog. I love it and applaud what your doing!
I agree. The statistics don't lie. African American marriages are at an epidemically low level. However, what caught my attention more than once during the debate, which was four hours long btw, was that the blame was on women. And imo that's not fair.
Hhmmm…No, I will not settle and I am fine with that decision. It is better to be happy and single than married and unhappy!
Regarding your question; Why won't successful women settle?: while I feel I would not consider myself successful in every sense of the word, I would say that I have reach a majority of my personal, educational and career goals. I believe that we women tend to forget that we are not perfect and that we will never meet a man that is perfect. A year ago I met a man that is turning out to be, not perfect, but perfect for me. I also think that we forget that as Christian women, we need to remember that by His design we are to be "help mates" to our counterparts. We may have to do some polishing, and not always expect them to come pre-washed. Be Blessed!
Good article. This is interesting Angela and the point that you made. I have single women (JEWELS) that I meet with and I am trying not to get them to lower their standards just to get the ring. I believe most of them get tired and the fear of being alone overpowers. I love the title of this article – Why we won't settle! I will be passing this article along because these women are 25-35 and I pray they will not settle.
Forgive me, great job Ms. Stewart!
Great article, Dee! I 100% agree with your twin. There's no need to settle because what God has for you be will more than what you asked for. I didn't settle… thank God…that is my testimony!
Bless you ladies.
Kennisha
Good article. Nice insights, but this first comment (the long one) is excellent and well thought out. L. Marie made some valuable points that need to be considered sicne they go deeper into the heart of the issue, and don't just skim the surface or provide a quick answer/cliche. Insightful. Thanks for sharing, L. Marie
Excellent Post Dee
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I understand and appreciate many of the points that have been made here. However, as a black woman who has been around people of all races. Has anyone ever noticed that black men are not settling? They date whoever they want regardless of race or class. Secondly, I have noticed from working with women of other cultures that they settle and are miserable and come to work taking it out on everybody else because they have made a bad choice in a spouse. Thus their home life is awful and everyone around them has to pay. If they had chosen right the first time this would not be the case. It seems to me that we as black people will always be fighting for equal rights. We are always portrayed as being inferior and over time we have become educated and responsible women. Nonetheless we are treated less than and expected to settle. Are your serious? Many black women have already settled and created children with deadbeat men. Do we really need more of this? Many of the white women I have been around have lousy husbands but try to pretend that he's prince charming. Their husbands constantly cheat, keep losing jobs, etc. Yet that what was the expected of the black man. Now it appears the white man is there too. Ironic isn't it? Also, I'm seeing that a lot of the foreign women have spouses but the wives get treated like absolute crap! Sure the husband is the provider but the wives are property and are treated likewise. These are just my observations alone. However, I believe you get what you settle for. I'm leaving my marital status in God's hands and I am willing to wait for what's best for me.
As long as you have a man that respects you, loves you, provides for you and supports you, you are not settling. He may not be at your same educational level or own a home as big as yours or even be as attractive as you are. But if he is there for you through thick and thin, respects and takes care of you, you are not settling.